Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
