Screwed.edu
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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