I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
