My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
