Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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