I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
