So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
