it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
