the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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