You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
