Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer