if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
