is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
