i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
