So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
