Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
