drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
