No awkward lesbian experiences without me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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