wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
