I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
