I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
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Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
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Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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