shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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