How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
