my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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