Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
