Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
