I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
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Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
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why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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