Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
