I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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