i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
