Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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