That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
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In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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