theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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