Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
