Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
