go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
