did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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