this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
