Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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