nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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