The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
