Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Less talking, more tequila
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You dont lie about slip and slides
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
