Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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