Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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