remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
