I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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