I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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