come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
