I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
