DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
