4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
