you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
