How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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