Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
