I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Come on in and take your pants off
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