I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
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My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
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We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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