i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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