my phone needs a breathalizer
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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