No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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