Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
